I allow myself moments, mostly fleeting, to settle in to sadness.

I give myself permission to hurt and lay in the hurt

To pull the quilt of pain and disappointment over my toes, up my legs and snuggle in it, tightly held under my chin… Warm but yet, so cold. 

I do this to be honest about what I’m experiencing and how it makes me feel; to remind myself that everything is not okay all of the time and I need to sometimes embrace the bad in order to appreciate the good. 

I do this knowing full well, that in a few, I will kick off the heavy covers and jump right out of my cradle of wallowing.  

For, it’s necessary to acknowledge the pitfalls and how they affect me because it is in fact what makes me stronger.

One thing I know for sure...

Despair...

It will never become my constant bed fellow!

Every aspect of life is not to be figured out, labeled and filed away, I get that now.  We humans have this nagging desire to chalk it all up, life, to some pre-written script where if not followed word for word, we fail and ruin the play.  This approach leads a bevy of people to feel deep disappointment in their existence and or the actions of others. Some even give up, throw in the towel because they believe that their chance to make a stamp on this world or simply be happy has passed them by, as if they missed the final train leaving town. They assume the role of merely existing, which in turn makes them feel like dispensable extras among the key performers.  That is no way to live!    

Life is to be explored.  Let me say it again… Life, it is to explored.  If one scenario does not pan out to your liking, there is a plethora of other possibilities and opportunities to consider and take full advantage of, this is a fact.  Embrace all that is life instead of limiting yourself. Nothing is definite, no matter how much you wish it to be… Any sense of security is like a bowl made from mesh, it may hold secure for some things and may be faulty for others. The only thing that is definite is that while you’re here, every moment is a chance to be a better version of you.

So please, do yourself a favor and don’t get so caught up in the minor details where it leaves you stunned and unable to make your next move.  In the words of Bruce Lee, be like water my friend… Be like water! 

We all have experienced it; since we were children we’ve had people tell us that beauty is in the eye of the beholder… Well, let’s be a bit more specific shall we?!  What people fail to realize is that we are the owner and controller of our own splendor.  Many of us misfile our validity cards in the drawers of others, which leads us to look for happiness and self worth in the wrong places.  We tend to hold the opinion from another person in such high regard, that it may sway or confirm what we already feel about ourselves.

This has got to STOP!

The moment we all understand, in totality, that once a person has gained total confidence in themselves and their abilities, they will then be able to marvel at their own accomplishments without seeking approval or kudos from an outside source.  There is nothing wrong with feeling good after receiving a compliment from someone, but, if it holds weight in your life to the point of “making or breaking” you, than, Houston… We have a problem!

All I am saying is that, once you grab hold of your own worth, take complete responsibility for the health of it, it won’t matter whose judging eyes are gazing your way.  The shear magnificence of the way you carry yourself will read as beautiful to all of those you encounter.  When you are confident, you gain a freedom that many have not experienced… You break the restraints that insecurity has placed on your arms and legs.  That’s what a lot of the cheesy songs and poems are trying to convey when they tell us to FLY!  Only once you’ve dug deep and took the time to appreciate yourself, will you be able to take flight.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have the sun shine on you, to feel the warmth of it’s soothing rays… I just want you to try and imagine having that same comfort steadily ready within you!  Imagine the wonder of feeling beautiful and worthy the moment you wake up in the morning ‘til you decide to hit the pillow that evening and every evening!!!  There is nothing else like it in the world and only you can provide that feeling… So, what are you waiting for?  Get to loving yourself… YOU ARE WORTH IT!

A few weeks back, a friend wrote a status comment about how he grew up loving the girls from TV land.  He and every other little boy in America saw them as love interests and kept a space in their heart for them.  You remember the pigtails and mini skirts in question… Topanga from Boy Meets World, Myra from Family Matters, Winnie from The Wonder Years, Blair from The Facts of Life and Charlene (Janet Jackson) from Different Strokes to name a few.  

Upon reading his humorous status, I flashed back to the way I connected with family television at the time.  I too grew up crushing on popular actors that graced my walls compliments of the BOP magazine… Man, I cringe even thinking about my taste back then…  Joey from Blossom… WOAH!!! 

Besides that, my relationship with the characters from the boob tube went up another level. I wonder if others will be able to relate.  See, I was brought up by a hard working single mom.  With that said, I realize, after mulling over my friends post, that I deeply craved the affection, wisdom and overall presence that only a male figure could provide and found that the box with colorful lights never failed to give that to me.  My heart longed to have the picture that flashed across the television screen be MY actual and factual reality, MY home life. You know, the beautiful house filled with laughter and a loving mother and father.  There were a lot of heartwarming family shows at the time but above all, “The Cosby Show” was my salvation.  I welcomed Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable into my living room every day and never took him for granted.  Sad but true.  Bill Cosby’s character was my daddy substitute and I wasn’t giving him up!  I think that is because he reminded me of my father… They had a lot in common as far as humor and the way they carried themselves.  Heathcliff was my window into the way it should have been… Could have been.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about it. Imagine trying to fill a void so significant with something so artificial. Thank goodness I didn’t go a step further and do that with boys/men, try to fill the gaping emptiness that sat in my heart with unfulfilling relationships.  My escape through the world of mushy commercials and scripted TV did a pretty good job at softening the blow that was my childhood! 

I have to laugh when I hear people say, “I don’t know why I did that, I wasn’t being myself!”

That is the biggest copout if there ever was one.  You see, most of us strive to be an upstanding and contributing citizen, the kind that is viewed as trustworthy, loyal and a pleasure to be around.  With that said, when we take a misstep that is witnessed by others and in turn tarnishes our character, we automatically go in to recovery mode.  It’s a knee jerk reaction, where we look to quickly excuse the sometimes irreparable action with the aforementioned quote in the hopes of detaching oneself from it…  A way to say to the person, “I was taken over by an unforseen force that led me to do what I did.”

Such malarky!!!

People, if you are able to do it, it is a part of your character! Maybe it’s a small part of you that you rarely tap in to or a space in your soul that you don’t like visit, but, it’s all you! So, take ownership of your actions and stop trying to pawn it off to be some magical force that took over your body and made you act that way… Man up and say… “I appologize for my actions and I’m working on not having that happen again.” 

Once you comprehend that people respect your honesty and ability to not make excuses above all else and THAT is what will allow people to forgive you… Well, you will go through life and relationships with greater ease… PROMISE!

I feel that the sites serve a purpose and are a great way to meet and connect with people that we might not have a chance to otherwise. 

The issue is when people rely on the these sites for “human” interaction and live vicariously through their online persona, a caricature of themself.  The line between reality and fantasy are blurred and in extreme cases lost altogether.  

Besides the fact that there are some that use the net to live out their hidden dreams, there are also preditors.  The kind that are out to hurt physically and the ones that want to get in to your mind and harm you mentally.  You see, the cyber world is a haven for the passive aggressive, a place where they can voice their inner most thoughts and also unleash their pain and insecurities on others from the safety of their own home or neighborhood internet cafe… With the click of the send or comment button, they are able to affect your life with their harsh words… Sometimes through jest and sometimes through outright anger…

So, I say, when we use our discretion and approach others on the net just like we would in 3D, it can be a great place.

So, that is what I intend on doing. 

Growing up, I never really felt like I had a voice. If I did, I made horrible attempts at making it loud enough to be heard.  It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to share, I just kept it to myself.  For the most part, I lived in my mind where I felt at the time, that it was safe and free of outside judgment. 

On occasion I would allow myself the luxury of letting my thoughts spill out on to what was once strong and unwavering trees; now flimsy thin sheets of paper. Thanks to ink, my pen would emboss these words in bold color and make them visible for me to view over and over again; and others to boot!  Ugh, now I was my own worse critic… Judge and jury.  Were my ramblings futile… Do they serve any other purpose than to help me sift through the conflict and curiousity that plagued my mind… Would anyone even identify with what I expressed? The mind of a thinker never rests…

Eventually, I stopped questioning myself and made it a habit to document my thoughts no matter how small or insignificant the subject matter may have seemed.  I actually carry a pen and paper everywhere I go.  Anywho, I have learned a lot about myself and others through the art of writing, it has been a rewarding journey… You can bet that it was a one way ticket that I invested in… No turning back!!!